Friday, May 11, 2012

Village Voice: "Mormons: A Shallow Yet Helpful Guide to See If You Should Hate Them or Not"

Updated with:

And the last para shall come first 'cause it makes me laugh: "...So should we hate these guys or not?

Your call. Mormons may be lesser perverts than Catholics, and not nearly as mean as the Baptists. But if Romney declares martial law and forces you to get naked with a squadron of babushka ladies, don’t come whining to us. As Rev. Jeffress might counsel, the wise man always hates first and asks questions later – if only to stay on the right side of Jesus."

"...Why do Mormons worship Satan?

They don’t, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It’s just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth. Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields. Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn’t what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet. As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country’s earliest civilization. 

So you’re saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?

No. Schizophrenia hadn’t been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision. Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That’s when Smith discovered a second superpower – the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren’t regarded for their penmanship. He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a “tour de force of ecclesiastical drama.” He had the audacity to rewrite God’s words? Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress..."

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